Dear Makena,
I and having serious doubts about marrying my fiancé. The wedding is in 3 months. Should I break the engagement or postpone the wedding?
For context: He upholds values where he is to be seen as the man of the house, the provider, the primary decision maker and the wife is to listen and support his work. In our fights, he said he does not respect or care about my work, his work comes before mine, and wants me to support his work and his vision. I am currently applying for jobs. He gives me a list of things I should do and if I have a problem with it, he gets very frustrated, gives his reasoning, disregards mine and ultimately makes the decision for the both of us. Overtime, I've noticed a pattern in arguments where he assumes the worst scenario, jumps to conclusions and engages in yelling, making excessive hand gestures, cuts me off, doesn't listen to me, throws his belongings on the floor, and expects a quick apology. Hours go by in our fights until I say sorry (to which he does not believe my apology and fights even more). He also started to tell me what type of clothes to wear, to not be on my laptop an hour before bedtime, (to diet 5 days of the week (no fast food or even snacks) and exercise 4 times a week (which these things he also does). When I will need to bring my work home on occasion to finish tasks. But he put a boundary stating I can only do this 1-2x a week for 2 hours in the PM and wake up at 4 or 5am to work from home, and no more because it will disrupt family time. I said I can't abide by this and was ready to break this engagement. It was only then that he agreed to remove the time restriction and would work on his flaws. I feel very devalued, mistreated and disrespected in these fights that are also increasing in frequency.
Dear Anonymous Writer,
Okay, there is a lot to unpack here. But, to do that, you need to accept these experiences and the way you feel.
You are feeling very devalued, mistreated and disrespected, and I wouldn’t just say within the fights but in the whole relationship.
To put it bluntly, he is emotionally abusive, and if this behavior continues he could be physically abusive. He is already making excessive hand gestures and throwing his belongings on the floor.
I would seriously reevaluate this relationship. Make sure he is going to counselling and maybe even go to couples counselling as well. While he can have his beliefs about what a “man’s” role is in a marriage, he should not feel the need to control you whatsoever. Postponing the wedding might be the best at this time. If in the next 3-6 months or so you are still hesitant about marrying this man, I would consider calling off the wedding all together and leaving the relationship.
Do what’s best for you and your mental and physical health.
Comments