Dear Makena,
My friend (26F, we will call her Jill) got married about 9 months ago to a guy (27M, we will call him Jack) she was talking to for about 1 year. She was introduced to him by a mutual friend. After she got married, she got a bit distant from her friends including me, and we would always tease her on our group chat and tell her that she's too busy for us now that she is with her husband. One day, Jill called me randomly at night and told me that Jack got angry a lot at her over small things and did things like yell at her, push her, and grab her arm tightly to the point that she has marks from it. Jill said that at first she would take it, but now she would push back. Jill also told her brothers about it, and they're very angry now. They told her parents, too. I'm not really sure about the details, but she implied that Jack knows that she told her family about it and was very upset about it.
A related issue is that Jill always loved children and wanted to have kids, but she is afraid now of having kids with Jack. I told her that I would fear for my children's happiness and emotional well-being if I was seeing this kind of behavior early on in marriage, because with kids things get even more crazy because of all the responsibilities. She agreed, but she is at a loss of what to do at this point it seems.
I think she is too passive to make any move towards a divorce, and I'm afraid she will just end up staying in this relationship and have kids with him, and end up in a bad place. I am her best friend and I am so sad for her. I told her to find a way to either get counseling very quickly or just end things and get a divorce, but she hasn't done either of these things and I don't think she is planning to. She said she used to cry when things would emotionally impact her, but she has become hardened to the point where she doesn't cry. We haven't spoken about this issue together in a few months, but I'll ask her soon. She doesn't seem like she wanted to talk too much about it last time I tried a month or so ago. She is SO beautiful physically and as a person, and this guy is nothing compared to her.
Hi Anonymous,
It's clear that you care deeply about Jill, and your concern for her well-being is both understandable and admirable.
I want to reiterate that what Jill is going through is not okay. No one deserves to be treated with such disrespect or endure any form of abuse. It's particularly troubling to hear about the physical altercations and the impact they're having on her emotionally. It's a delicate situation, and I commend you for being a supportive friend.
Your suggestion of counseling is a wise one. Professional help can provide valuable insights and support for both individuals and couples going through difficult times. If Jill is hesitant, perhaps you could offer to go with her or help her find resources that make the process seem less daunting. Encourage her to prioritize her own well-being and seek the assistance she needs.
I understand that you're worried about Jill's passivity in the situation. It's not uncommon for individuals in abusive relationships to feel trapped or unable to take decisive action. Reassure her that she has a strong support system, including her family and friends, who care about her happiness and safety. Remind her that seeking help is not a sign of weakness but a courageous step toward a healthier future.
It's also essential to keep the lines of communication open. When you speak with Jill next, approach the topic with empathy and understanding. Let her know that you're there for her, that she doesn't have to face this alone, and that you're ready to support her in any way she needs. Share your concerns about the potential long-term consequences of staying in an unhealthy relationship, especially if children become involved.
Ultimately, the decision to seek counseling or end the relationship is one that Jill will have to make for herself. Be patient and persistent in your support, emphasizing that she deserves happiness and a relationship built on respect and love.