All You Care About is You

      All you care about is you, and yet you say that’s not true. The cycle continued, as predictable as the seasons. Days melted into nights, and nights into days. And here we are, again and again, fighting over the most insignificant things. One moment I am cooking dinner and then the next thing I know, a plate is being shattered. The apartment reddens, steam rises. It takes all I can to breathe. In and out. In and out. I stop, drop, and roll until I am out of hell. 

      Each shattered plate, each raised voice, was a painful reminder of the fragile dance we perform. Therefore I am left walking unfamiliar streets in the dead of winter. My hand is clenched around my vibrating phone, a lifeline tethering me to you. I don’t need to look at the caller ID to know it is you. I don’t need to answer the phone to know what you will say.

      “Please come back,” you will desperately beg, as you choke out a real… fake… sob. 

      You’ll say that you're sorry, so so sorry. You will tell me to come back and I will. Of course I will.

      It is dark and it is cold and you are all I know. You are all I have. I will return, as I always do. As I step back into the icy apartment you tell me that the pain makes our love even stronger. I try to believe it, I really do. 

      I want to be as delusional as you. But each night as I go to sleep I feel fragile, oh so fragile. I am hollow, you have carved out all of my life. 

      You have gotten rid of all I love. My friend, my family, it is just you. My parents try to call, and if you aren’t there I answer, whispering. It is as if you are in the walls, watching all I do. They ask me how I am doing and I lie. They know I am lying, but what can they do? 

      As I walk back into the apartment you wrap me in your arms, telling me everything is all right. Even though we both know nothing is alright. 

How can I leave someone who loves me so much? All your love filled me up, until you decided to take it back, sucking the life out of me to quench your never ending thirst.  

***

      My parents tell me an addict can’t get help unless they want it themselves.  I wish I had enough power to leave you, but you're all I have.

***

      My expectations are getting lower. I used to say that the guy I would be with would always make me happy, that I would only cry happy tears. Now here I am with a man who laughs as I struggle to breathe. You get off on my hurt, while I fall deeper into despair.